An emotional affair is when a person in a relationship invests more of their emotional energy into a companion outside their marriage or a committed relationship. In some ways, the individual in an emotional affair feels much closer to their new companion than their spouse or partner and may even feel chemistry or sexual tension with them.
Cheaters in an emotional affair often feel guilt-free because there is no sex involved in the relationship. However, these affairs can be just as damaging to their relationship as physical affairs, often leaving the partner feeling no less betrayed. Emotional affairs involve a certain amount of emotional energy and connection that can threaten the primary relationship. Therefore, emotional affairs may certainly be categorized as cheating in most instances.
What is an Emotional Affair
An emotional affair is more than just a close friendship—it’s a deep emotional connection with someone outside your committed relationship that can feel as intense and meaningful as a physical affair. Emotional affairs often begin innocently, perhaps as a friendship or a supportive ear, but over time, the emotional intimacy grows. You might find yourself sharing intimate details, confiding in this person about your hopes, fears, and even your relationship struggles. This level of emotional bond can create a sense of emotional fidelity with someone else, which can be just as damaging to your primary relationship as a physical affair.
Often, emotional affairs develop when emotional needs aren’t being met within the relationship, or when someone craves validation, affection, or understanding. The connection deepens as you spend quality time together, engage in open communication, and become emotionally invested in each other’s lives. While there may not be physical intimacy, the sense of betrayal and emotional cheating can be profound. Emotional affairs can lead to secrecy, guilt, and a growing distance from your partner, making it clear that cheating isn’t always about sex—it’s about where you invest your emotional energy and affection.
Why Emotional Affairs Are Dangerous
The problem with emotional infidelity is that when it starts, it seems harmless. You feel good when you’re with the person, you have enjoyable conversations, you put a little extra effort into your appearance, and you may even casually flirt. The person “gets you.” So, what’s the problem? After all, there is no sex, so it could just be the start of a lovely friendship.
Unfortunately, statistics are not on your side. It’s more than likely that this new friendship is the beginning of the end of your relationship with your committed partner. With many marriages ending in divorce, emotional cheating is just one more reason to push a troubled marriage over the edge.
Even if you haven’t had a physical affair yet, there’s a good chance you may. Studies have found that, on average, people in relationships have a 42% chance of cheating on their partners. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 25% of married men and 15% of married women have had sexual extramarital affairs, and that number is 20% higher when an emotional relationship without intercourse is included (Infidelity, n.d.).
Research has shown that jealousy affects men and women differently. For instance, women feel guiltier when they cheat emotionally, and men feel guiltier when they cheat sexually. One study discovered that women who fall in love with someone would more than likely feel guiltier than if they tried different sexual positions with the same person (“Sex Differences in Jealousy: Evolution, Physiology, and Psychology on JSTOR,” n.d.).
Another study concluded that men would be more upset if their partner was having a sexual relationship with another person without falling in love with them. On the other hand, most women said they’d be more upset if their partner had fallen in love with someone else but hadn’t slept with that person (Kruger et al., 2013). Although painful, physical affairs don’t require romantic feelings, which can make emotional affairs feel deeply personal. They indicate to your significant other that you find someone more exciting than them, which can seriously damage your partner’s trust and emotional well-being.
Emotional affairs often involve strong emotional connections and, in some cases, physical attraction, which can further blur the boundaries between friendship and infidelity.
How Emotional Relationships Differ From Platonic Friendships
A platonic relationship between a man and a woman is possible. Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the School of Social Work at the University of Maryland, found that 75% of men and 65% of women have had nonsexual friendships with the opposite gender (Greif, 2009). Close friendships are healthy and common, but can sometimes evolve into emotional affairs if boundaries are not maintained. Unfortunately, when intimate and private information is shared and companionship becomes emotional to the point where it crosses the boundaries set by the couple, a platonic friendship can grow into something more.
It can quickly become an emotional affair. Emotional connections and connections outside the primary relationship can threaten trust and intimacy, especially when they involve secrecy or emotional betrayal. While a platonic friendship is something a spouse might know about, an emotional affair remains a secret. It also feels different than a platonic relationship because both parties typically have a sexual attraction to the other person, regardless of whether it is acknowledged.
When emotional intimacy begins to resemble that of a romantic relationship, it may signal an emotional affair. And as with most things in life, if it feels wrong, it probably is. An emotional affair opens a door that should otherwise remain shut.
The Impact of Emotional Cheating
Emotional cheating can leave a lasting mark on a relationship, often causing deep feelings of hurt, mistrust, and betrayal. When one person becomes emotionally invested in someone else, it can create emotional distance and a sense of disconnection in the current relationship. This emotional distance can make it difficult to maintain intimacy and open communication with your partner, leading to misunderstandings and a breakdown of trust.
The effects of emotional cheating go beyond the relationship itself. It can impact a person’s self-esteem, causing feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Warning signs like frequent phone calls, spending more time with someone else, or sharing intimate information outside the relationship can signal that emotional boundaries have been crossed. Recognizing these signs early is crucial to addressing the issue, opening up honest conversations, and working together to heal and rebuild trust. Emotional cheating may not involve physical intimacy, but the emotional betrayal can be just as painful and challenging to overcome.
Emotional Affairs Can Be Hard to End
Emotional affairs can be a lot harder to end than sexual ones. Unlike a sexual affair, where you stop seeing the person, an emotional affair involves feelings for the person that can be hard to stop. Even after you stop seeing the person directly, the person is still inside your head and fills a space in your heart. A person feels emotionally conflicted and may struggle with lingering attachment, making it difficult to move forward.
Chances are, if you’ve had an emotional affair you’ve spent countless hours thinking about the person. The amount of time spent with or thinking about the other person can make it even harder to move on. Those feelings don’t simply go away once you decide it’s time to end the affair. In terms of healing your aching heart, you must remember that it’s not always easy to do the right thing but it can make you stronger.
Cheating Might Be in Your DNA
While it certainly doesn’t justify emotional affairs, understanding the underlying feelings that prompted the actions can be helpful. Surprisingly, your genes may influence how likely you are to stray emotionally and even sexually. Research shows that some people are genetically predisposed to being unfaithful based on their biology.
For instance, one study published by researchers at the University of Queensland found that infidelity was more common among people who had specific types of vasopressin receptor genes and oxytocin in their makeup. Vasopressin is a hormone related to social behaviors, including love, sexual bonding, empathy, and trust. According to the results of that study, a stunning 62% of instances in men and 40% of instances of infidelity in women had to do with genetics. It’s therefore worthwhile letting your therapist know if you have a family history of cheating. This can help in working through the problems and solutions related to the affair (Garcia et al., 2010).
Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair
If you are reading this, there’s a chance you already feel like you are having an emotional affair. The problem is that an emotional affair can be hard to define. Here are a few signs that may show you it’s time to re-evaluate that extramarital friendship.
For starters, you have withdrawn from your partner. They don’t excite you like they once did, and you simply don’t feel as though you have much in common with them. Intimacy, either sexually or emotionally, may have stopped, and you may find yourself anticipating when you will see or communicate with your friend again. You may become preoccupied with daydreaming about your friend more often and wish you were with them during the times you are with your spouse. If your friend becomes the first person you turn to for sharing news or seeking support, this could be a sign that emotional intimacy is crossing boundaries.
You might be in an emotional affair if you no longer want to spend time with your spouse and find yourself drifting apart from them. You may find reasons to give your friend gifts rather than your partner, and overall feel as though they understand you so much better. Most of all, you are keeping your friendship a secret.
Similarly, if you notice that your partner seems withdrawn and uninterested, is spending more time on their phone texting or emailing, paying closer attention to their appearance, or seems to be hiding something, they might be having an emotional affair. Increased or secretive use of social media to communicate with the other person can also be a warning sign.
Constant Thoughts and Feelings
If you find yourself constantly thinking about someone else, replaying conversations, or wondering what they’re doing, it could be a sign that you’re emotionally invested in an emotional affair. These constant thoughts and feelings often signal a strong emotional connection that can overshadow your committed relationship. You might notice different ideas and emotions surfacing—guilt, anxiety, excitement, or even shame—especially if you’re hiding these feelings from your partner.
Managing these emotions is essential for your well-being and the health of your relationship. Explore ways to cope, such as engaging in self-care activities, practicing open communication with your partner, or seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist. Recognizing and understanding your feelings can help you make sense of your emotional experience and decide how to move forward. By being honest with yourself and your partner, you can begin to address the underlying issues and work towards a resolution that supports both your emotional needs and your relationship.
Protect Your Marriage
Many couples can recover and even strengthen their relationship after an emotional affair. Numerous marriages have been saved after emotional affairs. However, there are certain guidelines that the cheater and the spouse need to follow once the infidelity has been discovered. If you have been cheating emotionally, you need to feel remorse and have the desire to change your behavior and life. Your spouse needs to not only be sure that you have stopped cheating but trust you enough to fully heal.
Indeed, trust is a must for building a strong emotional connection between you and your partner so that your relationship can be healthy and long-lasting. Ongoing, honest conversation is essential in the healing process, as it allows both partners to express their feelings, rebuild trust, and set new boundaries together.
Regardless of who is cheating, both of you in the relationship need to work together to save and protect it from future harm. Marriage and relationships are hard work, so if you want to make yours last, you need to put in the effort by nurturing your marriage. Be thoughtful, and respectful, and regularly say “I love you.”
Know your spouse’s needs or ask if you’re unsure. Make it your life’s work to make your partner happy consistently. You can do that by taking care of yourself and being transparent about your own needs. Being honest and open will encourage your spouse to do the same. Always turn to your spouse first rather than sharing your vulnerability with someone outside of your marriage. Make a point to avoid sharing your deepest feelings and thoughts with anyone who isn’t your first confidant.
Even if you tend to have a fun and flirty personality, don’t touch, tease, or flirt with others. Make time for your spouse, have long conversations, and go out on dates. By doing the above, you will continually build and maintain trust with your spouse.
How to Rebuild Trust
Rebuilding trust after an emotional affair is a challenging but achievable process that requires dedication from both partners. Honest conversations about the emotional affair, the feelings and needs that led to it, and the boundaries that need to be set are essential for healing. Open communication is key—both partners should feel safe expressing their emotions, concerns, and expectations moving forward.
To restore emotional intimacy and connection, make time for quality activities together, show affection, and prioritize each other’s needs. Engaging in shared experiences can help rebuild the emotional bond that may have been damaged. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can also guide you through the healing process, offering tools and strategies to rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship. By working together, communicating openly, and committing to the relationship, couples can move past the pain of an emotional affair and create a stronger, more emotionally connected partnership.
Overcoming the Aftermath
The aftermath of an emotional affair can feel overwhelming, but with time, effort, and a willingness to address the underlying issues, healing is possible. It’s important to recognize the impact the emotional affair has had on your relationship and to openly discuss the emotions and challenges that have arisen. Establishing clear boundaries, practicing open communication, and working together to rebuild trust are essential steps in the recovery process.
Self-care is equally important—both partners may need time to process their feelings and focus on individual healing. By prioritizing your relationship, communicating honestly, and seeking support when needed, you can overcome the emotional fallout and move towards a healthier, more emotionally intimate connection. Remember, overcoming the aftermath of an emotional affair is a journey, but with patience and commitment, couples can emerge stronger and more connected than before.
How to Get Help
Beyond filling your free time with engaging activities, new thoughts, and quality time with your spouse, you may need to seek the help of a professional counselor to heal after an emotional affair. A licensed therapist can assist you in addressing the affair, guide you throughout the healing process, and help you to repair your relationship.
Be patient because it will take you time to heal from your feelings for the person you emotionally cheated with and to improve your troubled marriage. Nevertheless, having the guidance of a trained professional will make the situation easier for both you and your spouse, and may even strengthen your marriage. According to the American Psychological Association, roughly 50% of distressed relationships show improved and more satisfying marriages from couples counseling. An additional 10% to 20% will remain a couple, even if the unhappiness persists.
Licensed counselors typically employ one or more of a handful of therapeutic approaches to relationship counseling that have been proven to help repair relationships. No matter how you choose to address it, it’s important to take the first step in recognizing that your emotional affair can ruin your relationship if it does not end, regardless of whether or not you consider it cheating.
Sources
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Amanda is a wellness writer & enthusiast with over 12 years experience writing in the industry. She has a bachelors degree in Creative Writing from NYU. She is certified by the American College of Sports Medicine and the American School of Nutrition & Personal Training. Amanda is also a celebrity publicist.